Twisted Fates
by xXNARUTO-SHREK-MCR-FAN-420Xx
Summary: Imagine if Team 7 had four members originally instead of just three... and the fourth is Shrek! This story chronicles the adventures of Shrek and Naruto and their twisted fates. Will have mature themes. ShrekRuto.
1. Prologue

This is a prologue to the story I am writing.

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"And in group 7," announced the lead ninja guy, "we have Sakura." Sakura smiled sweetly at the mention of her name. Her dyed pink hair blinded the ninja student behind her. He put on some sunglasses, but was chastised by the other ninja student next to him.

"Naruto." Naruto jumped joyfully out of his chair. "BELIEVE IT!" he shouted while adjusting his ninja headband. Sakura looked dejectedly toward the ninja desk she was sitting at. Naruto is like so totally lame, she thought to herself.

"And Sasuke Uchiha, brother of Itachi Uchiha who killed his entire clan but that was to protect Sasuke so there's that." Sasuke crossed his ninja hands in the Gendo pose. Naruto fell on the ground and bruised his shoulder. Sakura cheered and became wet.

"And this is a little unusual, but due to an uneven amount of students, a fourth member will be joining team 7." The ninja classroom erupted into hushed murmurs. Who could the fourth student be? Several Japanese names were thrown around. The ninja teacher eventually shouted, "Calm your collective tits!" and the classroom quieted down. "The fourth ninja member of team 7 is… Shrek!" At that moment, the door in the back of the classroom swung open. In lumbered Shrek with a mesh t-shirt, trench coat, and a striped fedora perched atop his head. Naruto looked back, and the two made eye contact. Time stopped, emotions rose. They both knew that this was going to be the ninja adventure of a lifetime.

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I hope you enjoyed it! I expect this story to have many chapters. Let me know what you think! ;)


	2. Chapter 1: Training Day

Chapter 1: Training Day

"Alright," said Kakashi, "we'll start with introductions. Sakura, would you like to start us off?"

"Okay!" Sakura said while coming her hair with an ivory brush from the horn of a ninja rhino. "My name is Sakura Haruno and my goal is to date cute boys and punch a life-size puppet in the stomach."

"Very good. I share both your ambitions," replied Kakashi. "Naruto?"

"I WANT TO BE KING OF THE NINJAS! BELIEVE IT!"

"The Hokage?"

"Yes, that was what I was alluding to."

"Great. Sasuke?"

"I want to get revenge on a certain somebody who is my brother who killed our entire clan except for me, and also I want to get eyes that bleed when I create magic ninja fire."

"Worthwhile goals. And finally, Shrek?"

"I want to become the Hogrekage!"

"The same goal as Naruto. It looks like you two will have to fight to the death for it, fufufufufufufufufufufufufufu ."

Shrek and Naruto locked eyes. The passion in their souls leaped out of their bodies and intertwined, creating a single spirit—a spirit of the future Hogrekage.

"We will meet in the ninja training field tomorrow for your first ninja test." And with that, Kakashi turned into a log and disappeared. The rest followed suit.

- One day later -

"I can't believe we have to be up at 11am," said Naruto.

"I know, my ninja swamp needs some tendin'," Shrek replied.

Suddenly, Kakashi appeared. "I have some bells and you all have to get them to become real ninjas."

"I love balls," said Sakura.

"The test starts… now!" Kakashi stood still while they all attacked. Sasuke threw fucking shurikans at Kakashi like calm down bro, seriously. He turned into a ninja log though, so Kakashi was fine. Sakura was busy reading Teen Beat magazines. Naruto was caught in a bear trap or I don't really know what to call it but his foot got caught in a loop and he was hanging from a tree. It was all up to Shrek and Sasuke.

"Sasuke," Shrek said, "It is all up to us."

"Goddammit, Shrek," said Sasuke and he punched a ninja tree.

"Well, I'm not about to let our time together as a team be ogre." Shrek back flipped into the middle of the clearing, just twenty ninja yards away from Kakashi. He ran toward him with his arms trailing behind his back. "Onion no justsu~!" he cried. His entire body turned into a hail of onions. Kakashi jumped into the air, only to be punched in the face by Shrek. Shrek landed on the ground and seized the bells. "I bet you weren't shrekspecting that," he smirked.

"Shrek-kun," Sasuke said, "you really did it."

"I guess I have to acknowledge you as my rival," said Naruto. "And Sasuke too, I guess."

"I helped!" Sakura said as she skipped into the clearing.

"You all worked together," Kakashi replied, "and that's why you won."

"We didn't work—" Sasuke was cut off.

"Together. Congrats, team 7!" They all cheered. During the loud rejoicing, Shrek's hand brushed past Naruto's. They both sensed the electric shock of their converging skin. Shrek felt his ogrehood stiffen. Naruto swallowed a lump in his throat. They stood there for several minutes, looking silently at each other's hidden erections.

"Well, I should be growing—I mean, _going_," said Naruto.

"Same for me. I need to make some earwax candles and take a mud bath back at my ninja swamp."

They parted ways, but they knew this was not the end. This was only the beginning of what was sure to become the greatest of all ninja love affairs.

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I hope you guys liked it! Up next is the Zabuza arc and things are going to get wacky!


	3. Chapter 2: Zabuzabza Day

HEY GUYS! I've received a lot of support for the story so far. I'll be super to work tirelessly to make the rest of the story just as great! Have fun and be safe!

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Chapter 2: Zabuzabza Day

"Shit man, I can't believe we're on a real ninja mission," Sakura chirped.

"I know, it's hard to BEElieve!" Shrek said as he used a bee for toothpaste.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted.

"Of course," Kakashi-sensei-chan said. "Now try to run up these trees because I don't know."

Sasuke walked casually up the tree. He had been walking up trees all of his life. After all, he had a lot of free time after the death of his entire clan. Sakura humped a tree for the better part of an hour. Naruto had a lot of trouble because he's a big screw up but everyone still loves him haha what a great guy. Shrek was having the same problems as Naruto, despite being a rather accomplished ninja. This was due to the fact that Shrek's boner for Naruto was throwing him off balance.

Sasuke and Sakura eventually retired to the house at which they were staying. Shrek and Naruto worked diligently into the sunset mastering the tree walking skill because that's what they should be focusing on as ninjas. Fuck making magic fire shurikens or lighting spears. No, learn how to walk up trees and shit. Thanks, Obama. Anyway, they made it to the top of their respective trees as anime cicadas made that weird sound that they always do.

"Looks like we've mastered another ninja skill," Shrek said with a laugh.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted.

"I believe that I'm in love with you," Shrek said directly. He was tired of games. He had to know if Naruto loved him.

"Shrek-sama…" Naruto shouted, looking toward the ground. "I just don't know…" Tears welled in his eyes.

"Listen, Naruto-chan," Shrek began. "Our love is like onions. Onions have layers. Our love has layers. You just have to peel back a few to get to the delicious insides."

"Of course! It all makes sense!" Naruto punched victoriously toward the sky.

"Let's make out," Shrek insisted.

"Ok," Naruto shouted. And they made out for like twenty minutes.

After the festivities, they returned to the house they were staying at. I think there was a mother and a kid there for some reason. And his dad died in a flood maybe? It's been so long since I've seen this. I have no idea.

"MMMM, WHERE WERE YOU GUYS? ;))))," Sakura questioned as the two entered the house.

"Doing ninja training," Naruto shouted. "Jesus christ Sakura you were there less than eight hours ago goddamn."

"Believe it!" Shrek said. Naruto moistened.

"K, let's go to bed and fight Zabuzaabuabazubaza tomorrow for some reason." And they did.

- The next day -

The next day, team 7 showed up on the bridge that was being constructed.

"Alright, my niggas. Prepare for battle," Kakashi said as he started taping kunai to his clothes.

"Kakashi-kun, we've never had any real battle experience though!" Sakura stated with surprising clarity. "What should we do?"

"Shit man, I don't know. Just do some ninja tricks or something. Throw a bunch of shurikens at him."

At that exact moment Zabuzabzuabzzuaauza appeared from the mist with his gender-ambiguous sidekick Haku. "You fools, why are you trying to stop us from doing whatever we're trying to do?"

"Because we are NINJAS!" Naruto shouted.

"We're ninjas too," said Haku. "Actually, a lot of people are ninjas. Like more than half."

"Enough talking," Zaubaubauabbzbzuabza said brandishing his huge ass sword. "Now we FIGHT!"

"Oh," Kakashi said. "Welp, looks like you kids have got this. I'm going to go read Twilight books over there."

"MOUTH FIREBALL NO JUSTSU!" Sasuke produced a spherical inferno from his Flaming Lips. Zabzu cleaved the ball in two with his sword.

"I love balls," Sakura said.

"ONION NO JUTSU!" Shrek used his classic technique, sending a hail of onions down at Zuko. Haku used his weird needle thing to pierce le onions, sending them harmless plummeting toward the ground. "My onion no jutsu is ineffective?! Impossible!"

"I've got this," Naruto shouted. "SHADOW CLONE NO JUTSU." A hundred Narutos appeared. Shrek moistened. Grabbing the fallen onions, the main Naruto shouted "NOW!" The clones threw the onions at Zabbbbbbbubba. Haku threw the weird needles at the onions in the exact same manner, causing the exact same result. "I don't know why I thought that would work."

"I don't know why I can't twerk!" Sakura said as she flailed helplessly.

"It's no use," Sonic cried.

"Let me show my special technique!" Haku said. A bunch of mirrors surrounded Shrek, Naruto, and Sasuke. Haku began darting between the mirrors at the speed of light or sound probably sound. Sasuke used his sharingan to follow the enemy, but an eyelash fell onto his eye so he had to rub it. Haku threw a metric fuckton of needles at Sasuke, paralyzing him. "Sakura, help!" he shouted. Sakura was busy thinking about boys.

Haku was leaping around, getting ready to deal the finishing blow to the fallen Uchiha. Right before impact, Naruto and Shrek ran in front of Sasuke, shielding his body from the impending attack. "We never leave a ninja behind," Shrek smirked.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted. Sasuke looked up in horror to see the erections of Shrek and Naruto. They were reaching out toward each other, longing for a docking embrace.

Meanwhile, Sakura and Kakashi were facing Zababaubauabzuzbauza. "Sakura, Bella is making some tough decisions right now. Can you handle this?"

"Of course, Kakashi-san," she said. "I'd love to get me a piece of that long, thick sword. Mmmmmmmmmm."

"I'm really uncomfortable," Zazu said.

"Now for my greatest techinique—TEEN BEAT NO JUTSU!" Millions of Teen Beat magazines appeared from the sky blocking out the sun for a five-mile radius. Zubat tried desperately to cut the magazines before they reached him, but it was no use. "It's no use," Sonic cried. Zabuzabuzabuza was crushed beneath the horrible pages.

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom—Shrek and Naruto stood above Sasuke, bleeding on him. "Fucking reee, I'll do it. Just get off me." Sasuke stood up as Shrek and Naruto cowered in the corner. Haku began his assault, moving quicker than Sasuke's eyes could keep up with. Sasuke closed his eyes. He was ready. "SHOTGUN NO JUTSU!" Sasuke pulled out a fucking shotgun and shot Haku. He collapsed on the floor.

"What the dick, bro. That's not a ninja move," Haku said and the mirrors shattered or disappeared I really don't remember this part of the series.

"Of course not, but using shotguns is my ninja way."

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted.

"Jesus fucking christ, Naruto. I swear to god."

The team reunited as Kakashi finished a chapter. "Good work, my niggas. Let's go out for pizza!"

"Yay!" the team cheered happily skipping off into the distance. Haku dragged his/her bleeding body toward the mountain of Teen Beat magazines. After digging through the center, he/she pulled out Zababoon's body. Laying next to it, they looked together toward the sky. A light snow began to fall.

"Haku," Zabonkadonk said, "can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up, Haku. The clouds are lifting. The sun is breaking through. We are coming out of the darkness into the light. We are coming into a new world, a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed and brutality. Look up, Haku. The soul of man has been given wings, and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow — into the light of hope, into the future, the glorious future that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up, Haku. Look up."

"I'm right here, bro," Haku said. Then they both died, their lives tragically cut short by the terror known as Team 7. The village held a ceremony honoring the two great heroes, confused as to the circumstances regarding their deaths. A memorial was built in their honor with the words "legends never die."

"Holy shit, this pizza is the bomb!" Sherk said.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted.

Everyone in the ninja pizza restaurant laughed. It was a good day.

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I hope you guys liked Chapter 2! Up next is I have no idea let me google it right now okay up next is the Chūnin Exam Arc? Um, I guess it's the part where they're all taking that test thing. Okay, yeah, I'll do that. Any suggestions for the story would be appreciated! LOVE YA XOXOXOXOXOXO


	4. Chapter 3: Testing Day Phase One: Writte

Hello, friends! I'm back with another exciting installment of Twisted Fates! In this episode, the gang takes a test. WOW!

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Chapter 3: Testing Day Phase One: Written Shit

"_Shrek-kun, I-"_

"_Silence, my love baby. Just relax as waves of pleasure engulf you."_

"_B-but, in the middle of the onion warehouse?"_

"_Naurto-san, there is no place more sensual." Shrek began to tenderly grasp Naruto's-_

"Hey, Shrek-sama!" Sakura squeaked as she entered some room that Shrek was in.

"S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SAKURA!" Shrek hid the ninja notebook in which he had been writing ninja fanfiction.

"Are you ready for the first part of the ninja test today? The part that is the written section and all the ninjas in our class gather together and take the test and it's a big deal? I'm not!" Sakura skipped away, taking a myriad of Instagram pictures in the process.

Thank Shrek she didn't see the ninja story he was writing, Shrek thought to himself. He quickly gathered his ninja tools and left for the ninja school.

Upon arriving at the school, he was greeted by some familiar faces. He lumbered over toward Team 7. "How's your head, Shrek-kun?" Naruto shouted.

"My head?!" Shrek immediately thought Naruto was talking about his penis. It had been a while since the fateful incident of the Zabugsbunny arc. I think it was a while. I don't remember.

"Yes, you said you had a headache last night? After we had ninja ramen at that place I always go to for some reason?"

"OH, yeah, it's fine." Shrek relieved himself.

"So, Kakashi-sensei," Skaura began, "do you have any tips that will help us pass the exam?"

"Shit man," Kakashi said rubbing his eye because the other one was hidden under his weird ninja turtleneck thing, "just like fucking answer the questions and shit."

"That's it?" Sakura asked with sparkling anime eyes.

Kakashi yawned. "Okay, I'm gonna level with you guys. I stayed up til like five last night looking at internet porn. Or if we don't have internet in this universe, scrolls or books or something. Just like don't suck. Don't be Naruto."

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted. Everyone laughed.

Sensing that this was a perfect opportunity, the ninja exam instructor entered the room. "Stop laughing you lil' shits," he said in a stern, but alluring voice. "Sit your ninja asses the fuck down in your ninja seats before I have to ninja smack some bitches up." The students rushed to their seats. "I am the exam instructor guy. You can call me exam instructor guy." Exam instructor guy was a tall ninja with I think a scar on his face and maybe a bandana? What the hell did he look like? I think I might be confusing him with someone from Street Sharks. Anyway-

"This part of the exam involves answering these questions and there is definitely _no cheating allowed_." Exam instructor guy then winked noticeably to the students.

"Exam instructor guy, is there something wrong with your eye?" a nameless student asked.

"No, fuck you. I'm just saying that you shouldn't use your varied abilities to cheat and copy answers from other people to pass the test." He winked again.

"Um, exam-" the student began again.

"You. Leave. You can't be a ninja anymore." Exam instructor guy was not having any bullshit today. After all, it was Taco Tuesday over at the Ninja Taco Stand. He loved tacos. XD

"Aw man, now I have to go be a lawyer or pursue some other successful profession that doesn't require me to risk my life on a daily basis fighting villains with magic ninja powers." He left.

"Alright, you lil' fucks ready for this shit?" The room was pregnant with the sound of silence. "Good, that's what I like to not hear." He walked around the room, throwing test packets on the students' desks and shouting "TAKE THIS!" He returned to front of the room and started playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 for the Xbox 360, a First-Person Shooter (FPS) that revolves around unique gameplay that propels the _Call of Duty®_ franchise into a world of future warfare, and back again to the modern era. The game is a sequel to the 2010 release, _Call of Duty®: Black Ops_, and features returning _Black Ops_ characters Sgt. Frank Woods and Agent Alex Mason, joined by a wealth of new characters. Additional features include: two distinct yet linked playable time periods, advanced weaponry, branching storylines created by player choices in Strike Force missions, exciting multiplayer options, and more.

Naruto looked at the test and immediately panicked. He knew none of the answers. Instead of studying for the past few days, he was busy eating ramen and doing whatever else it is that Naruto does. His steadfast determination would not allow him to give up, so he started writing various animals names for the answers. He could only think of dog and zebra, so the later answers became a mix of the two.

Sasuke picked up he exam with a smirk, assuming that he would know all the answers. However, he knew none. Instead of studying for the exam, he had been busy thinking about how he would get revenge on his brother Itachi for killing his entire clan and also thinking about how much he hated Naruto and Shrek. The solution was simple. He used his Sharingan to cheat and look at the other student's exams. Naruto's answer's were dog, zebra, zog, debra, zeebzog, debra, raymond, shrek's monster cock, and dodongo. Obviously, those were not right. Shifting his focus or however he uses his powers I mean I don't even remember really cause now he makes fire and giant evangelion demon things with it and that's not what he did, he looked at Sakura's paper which had… all the correct answers? The fuck was this.

Sakura actually knew all the answers. Being the best and most useful character, she had taken it upon herself to not study at all and marathon Supernatural instead. Despite this, she had no trouble answering the questions. I mean, they weren't really that difficult. It's just that the ninja education system is awful. They spend all their time doing ninja magic instead of learning mathematics or science. It didn't help that this was an inner-village school.

Shrek was in the same boat as Naruto. Instead of studying, he had been busy watching Naruto eat ramen and whatever else Naruto does. Not wanting to turn in a blank sheet, he began doing what he did best—writing fanfiction about him and Naruto. He might at least get partial credit. Especially if any of the answers had the word "schlong" in them.

Oh right, there were other students. I might as well mention them. Okay, so on one team there was Shikamaru the cool shadow guy who I guess was really smart so he knew the answers. Or maybe he used his shadows to cheat somehow? Next, there's the blonde girl Ino who uses mind control. She took control of some stupid nerd kid next to her, making him switch his test with hers. Afterward, she made the kid leave the school and eat a gallon of ice cream. This started a downward spiral of overeating, which eventually caused a premature death at age 35. Oh, Ino. And there's the fat guy Choji who was busy eating potato chips. Several chips landed on the paper, and the grease spots formed the correct answers. This action was dangerously close to revealing Choji's grease bending abilities, but he was too hungry to care.

Another team had Kubo the dog guy who wrote notes on his dog and just fucking pulled it out and set it on the desk. He could get away with this because he was the dog guy. Next, there was Shino the bug guy who wrote notes on his bugs and just fucking pulled them out and set them on the desk. He could get away with this because he was the bug guy. Finally, there was Hinata the kawaii girl who liked Naruto for some reason who just fucking pulled out the study booklet the class had been given before the test and set it on the desk. She could get away with this because she was the kawaii girl.

The last team had the famous Rock Lee. He missed every question, but exam instructor guy felt bad that he didn't have any parents and gave him a perfect grade. Next, there was the overlooked Neji. He used his Bakugan: Battle Brawlers to cheat and it's like the thing Sasuke has but different somehow? And Tenten was there.

This show has so many fucking characters.

After some length of time, exam instructor guy got to a lobby in his game and muted his headset. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. If anyone on your team doesn't answer the last question, the entire team fails the exam. If anyone answers the question incorrectly, the entire team is fed to Bramblesnarf, the ninja dragon. Good luck, have fun."

The entire classroom gasped in unison. Sasuke whipped his head toward Naruto. "Do you know the answer to the last question?" he asked Naruto in sign language. Naruto signed back "Yes." Naruto was lying of course, but Sasuke wouldn't stay mad at him when they were in the belly of Bramblesnarf. Sasuke breathed a sign of relief but accidentally created a mouth fireball, incinerating his classmate Derbidur, one of the two remaining members of the Doolibile clan. His brother, Donkleberry was heartbroken.

The students turned in their tests, and phase one was completed. Exam instructor guy told them to wait outside the classroom while he graded their papers. After an agonizing ten minutes, he emerged from the classroom, a single piece of bubblegum scented paper in his hand. "I have something to tell you faggots," he began. "The real test here was whether or not you completed every question. If you did, you passed." The students began to talk in a collective inaudible whisper.

"So answering the last question wrong doesn't mean we'll be fed to the ninja dragon?" Shrek asked.

"AHAHAHA, no! The only people being fed to Bramblesnarf are the enemies of the Hidden Leaf Village!" Everyone laughed. "Also anyone who didn't answer the last question at all will be sentenced to death by guillotine." A few awkward chuckles were given. A team of ninja police officers escorted Donkleberry, the only student that didn't answer the question, out of the school to his death.

"What was the point of this exam then?" Kiba asked.

"I don't know. Fuck you, that's the point. I'm going to go get ninja wasted." And he did.

"Wow, I'm so glad we all passed the test!" Sakura said while doing her nails.

"Me too, it was a bit touch-and-ogre there for a minute," Shrek said with a hearty laugh.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted. Everyone laughed.

"What's the next part of the exam, Kakashi?" Sasuke questioned.

"I don't know, man. Some like big ass trees or some shit."

"I love wood," Sakura said.

"Me too," Shrek replied.

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted. Everyone laughed.

A thin drizzle covered the village of the Hidden Leaf. A few puddles formed around areas of the unpaved road. Donkleberry walked solemnly through the streets, his hands encased in unbreakable ninja cuffs. He was being led to the place of his death, unable to escape. They eventually reached the gallows. A group of citizens were gathered around, waiting to watch the execution. Donkleberry climbed the creaking wooden stairs, his wet ninja hair covering his ninja face. He knelt down, placing his head beneath the ninja guillotine. "Citizens of the Hidden Leaf, I bring before you today the worst kind of criminal, Donkleberry of the Doolibile clan. For your heinous action of not answering the last question on that ninja exam thing, you will forfeit your life. Do you have any last words?"

Donkleberry looked up with a cryptic smile. "You want my treasure? You can have it! I left everything I gathered together in one place. Now you'll just have to find it!" And with that, the blade was lowered. This marked the end of the Doolibile clan. The secret of the ice cream no justsu would forever remain lost.

Team 7 decided to celebrate their victory with another pizza party! The ninja table was filled with ninja breadsticks, ninja jalapeño poppers, and all sorts of ninja dishes. This was truly a night to remember, for the party of course!

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted. Everyone laughed.

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That's the end of that chapter! I spent probably at least ten hours working on this, and I think it shows! Let me know how you guys liked it! XDDDDDDDD


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